Thoughts from Episode One

Well, we fired up the old TiVo tonight to watch episode 1 while we were recording the second one. I thought I would take note of some notable moments for those of you who missed it.

These initial audition episodes are practically worthless. Lots of horrible singers. At the same time, they are the very episodes that caught my attention back in season one. How could these people be serious? Over the years I have realized that the bad contestants fall into three categories.

(1) The Hometown Favorite - We have seen this a million times. Some kid from (insert name here) small town sings at the old folk's home and puts a smile on all the silver hairs' faces. Their family and friends are always telling them how talented they are. So they come to A.I. to get discovered (it is like Belmont all over again). When they audition they don't sound awful, but they don't sound good - and when it is accompanied by some weird facial expression or uncomfortable body movement it makes the singing seem so much worse. I am sure the enormous anxiety due to being in front of cameras and superstars like Paula doesn't help either. After the rejection they return to their hometown, beg for their Winn-Dixie job back and get a sitting ovation the next time they walk back into Ridge View Assistant Living where they try to remember the words to patriotic songs while they watch that same old lady lick the ash tray (<-- happened to me).

(2) The Prankster - Some auditions are so ridiculous that you can actually hear the echo of the alcohol-induced dare from two nights before. "Hey man. I will give you twenty bucks if you wait in line for two days with tens of thousands of people and then sing "Strip" by Adam Ant while you disrobe down to your rebel flag boxers." We all knew guys like this in High School or College that would be all too enthusiastic about the challenge. It reminds me of something one of the members of Team Hasselhoff would do in a full-body ape suit. The strange thing is that I actually think that this sort of prank on this show is a worthy cause.

(3) The Handicapped - I am sorry, but this is unfortunately a huge factor in these initial auditions. There are obviously some people with significant mental issues but there are also some people that are just plain socially handicapped. Take an only child and then add an unhealthy interest in some fantasy outlet (Sci-Fi, D&D, comics, fantasy idol, etc.), two career braniac parents, a magnet school, way too much time inside the mothball-smelling house, a rock or marble collection, and some encouragement that you can accomplish anything if you "be yourself" or "follow your dreams". Don't get me wrong. I am all for following dreams and being yourself, but when these kids (or twenty-somethings) decide that being themselves means dressing up like Princess Leia AND being a pop music star, there is some level of disconnect there. They should really just try to be in Sufjan Stevens' band.

Now that we have the terminology down, I will get on to the show.

The first notable guy was the one from Egypt. I don't remember what his name was. It doesn't really matter. This guy seemed to be desperately trying to be the Borat of Season 7. He spoke with a heavy accent through the enormous gap in his teeth saying things like ... "That's why Mr. The Bee Gees is so special to me." and "You are sexy face

from that supposed Prankster to the Philadelphia tour guide. Here was a guy that seemed too nice to be a prankster and too normal to be in the handicapped category. You can tell by looking at most people if they will be serious contestants or not - but I wasn't sure when this guy first came on the screen. Then he sang the line "let my pipple go". Holy moley. I guess we have to put him down as a Hometown Favorite - his "home" encouragers being groups of tourists in Philadelphia trying to have a good time.














I don't even want to talk about Temptress Brown or I will start crying too. Ok - except to say that if I was a tailback, I would be VERY afraid of Temptress the linebacker.

Lets move on to Alexis Cohen. This is the girl who likes to wear "shiny" stuff and resembles Willem Dafoe. She obviously had some folks at home feeding her some great encouragement. That is why she said stuff like this right before she went in to see the judges ...

"Always have true faith and always be victorious."

She actually wasn't a horrible singer. She really did kind of sound like Janis Joplin. She would probably be OK in some crazy band. The weirder thing is that the judges thought the same thing. They weren't hard on her, but they said she wasn't right for this competition (which I agree with). Apparently that is not what she was prepared to hear though because her first words out of the door were ...

"Simon is a big fat bad word. Very very bad words." (Note to self: I want to remember to start calling people "big fat bad word". That is so cool.)

Then we see a classic case of a socially handicapped young lady who is torn between her dreams being shattered and all of the power of self mumbo-jumbo that her mom fed her over the years.

"You, sir, suck.
I thank you, I will leave with my dignity."

One minute after "leaving with her dignity", you see her giving the camera the double bird and saying ...

"Take it, Simon. Take it. Take it. Take it. I'm going for actressing.
I am going to show you guys that I can be victorious and F&^# you.
If I could legally moon ya, I would.
I'll make it one day. One day. Somehow. Somewhere. And I hope that someone sees that I have some talent somewhere. Whether it be in acting or singing or whether it be the fact that I have the chutzpah and the balls to be able to get up and talk. To be able to say what I'm thinking. To be able to say what I mean. To be able to speak the heart. To be able to talk. To be able to lead. I will be victorious. Always be victorious ... I hope to hear from you."

Additional note: At some point you hear a conversation between Alexis and her mother and you get a strange feeling that Alexis is not the strangest of the pair.

Then you have Christie Lee Cook - the good-looking cage-fighting horse trainer who had a decent voice. I don't think she even had to sing. She had Simon at "cage fight".

The next prankster was the guy who "had a crush" on Paula. We all know that with all of the information about Paula out there - nobody has a crush on her anymore. She is way too crazy. Kind of like Britney but more mature. Anyways, this guy deserves every penny of that drunken-stupor bet he surely made to come on this show. He wrote a great song about stalking Paula that had these lines in it ...

If she were a doggie I would walk her
If she were a blackboard I would chalk her
If I were Columbo I'd Peter Falk her
But I'm not so I'll just stalk her
If she were a fast guy on first I would balk her
If she were a woman from Good Times I'd be Jimmy Walker
If she were a bathtub I would caulk her

Come on. That is kind of respectable for a prankster. I mean, at least he will see some sweet royalties for his song, right???

Here are some quotes from Princess Leia herself ...

"I want out of my hometown because ... there is nothing to offer there .. unless I become a corrections officer ...which has been a possibility."

"If you don't know this hairstyle then you've been living on some moon on the other side of an M class planet in Star Trek somewhere."

We finished the episode with the pretty girl who has never seen an R-Rated movie. She had an OK voice - but it didn't matter. She had Simon at "pretty girl". She seems sweet and nice and everything, but I spent the rest of the night wondering what my life would be like if I never saw First Blood or Total Recall. Not worth it.