Thoughts from Episode Two

Back in front of the TiVo. This time AI is visiting the great state of Texas.

First, let me start with a question.

Question: Which mammal has no backbone?

Answer: Paula Abdul

They start off with a little bio piece on Jessica "Meth Mom" Brown. Are we supposed to believe that if they visit her house and show pictures of her on meth they are not going to let her move on to Hollywood. It is strange that they are showing so many of these little bio pieces so much this year. This is turning into everything I ended up hating about the Olympics on TV.

The first casualty of the evening ... Paul Stafford - a member of the American Roller Coaster Enthusiasts. But the judges are still awfully nice to him. I hesitate printing this but I am here to report the facts. So what was Mr. Stafford's reaction?

"Simon didn't go down on me like I thought he would. 'cause he goes down on just about everybody."

Then we had a Carrie Underwood look-a-like.

Then the sibling duo, Gregory and Mia Tobias, sang a crazy duet - I think. It was more like they had simultaneous solo auditions.

So the first episode had the Rated-R girl. She didn't come off too preachy about her moral standards. Tonight we have Bruce. Before he even auditioned he explained numerous times that he was "saving himself" for marraige. He said, "I have never had intimate relations with a woman before" while they played Richard Marx's "Right Here Waiting". He also wears a key around his neck that only fits into a heart that is worn around his dad's neck. He demonstrated how you put them together. That scene was very strange but it wasn't the worst part. Why does Bruce feel like he has to flaunt his purity? I am all for "saving yourself", but in this situation it feels more like "selling yourself" - like he hopes that some girl there in Dallas will think he is so honorable and will then want to run down the street and elope with him so he can finally use that key.
Of course he didn't sound too bad singing- but you could tell that the judges (Randy and Simon) had no respect for him so they didn't let him through. Now we end up a self-righteous Bruce who feels like he is example of how people in search of purity are unfairly persecuted. Although there is some truth there, the bigger truth is that there were probably more than a few contestants who shared his beliefs but didn't stand on them like a soapbox. Even scarier - there were portions of my life when I WAS Bruce.

Then we have the Hall & Oates singing guy from Mississippi with his fingernail collection. Why in the world would you show the ziplock bag full of old fingernails on national TV?

Then Kayla Dawn the car crash survivor makes it through. She looked like Kyra Sedgwick but acted kind of crazy. If we are really judging on voice and performance, it is ridiculous that this girl went to Hollywood and Bruce, our frustrated friend, didn't.

Katie Maloy does her Britney impersonation. Simon thinks she is the best.

We watched Douglas warm up before attempting Living on a Prayer. Ridiculous.

Occasionally we pause the TiVo as soon as a new contestant comes on the screen. I then ask my wife to guess if that person is going to make it through just based on the way they looked and carried themselves. 99% of the time she is right. When Angel, the girl with the model husband, came on the screen, my wife thought she was going go make it through. Then they called in her "hunky" husband to watch her sing "Baby Love". It wasn't very good. Her husband insisted that he thought it was good. Smart man. Never give it up. As soon as you tell the truth - they start to cry.
There was a brief moment of devastation until one of the judges told them they were a very nice looking couple. It was as if all of the national public humiliation just washed right off of their faces.

"who needs a golden ticket anyways when you have your soul mate by your side" - Ryan Seacrest

Next was the Kyle guy who is going to run for President someday. Worse singers have definitely made it through. The vote was one to one for Hollywood when it came to Paula. She didn't seem to like him, but in the history of American Idol I don't remember one single time that Paula ever actually rejected anyone with her vote (see: backbone comment at beginning of post). So of course she made some comment about wanting to see what he can do before she said "You're going to Hollywood."

Then the "If you ask me to" Celine girl. She wasn't very good - and the way that Seacrest patronized her as she came out the door made my wife say ...
"Ryan Seacrest is the lowest rung of hell"

Colton sang a Little Big Town song. My guess is that if your name is Colton, it is your destiny to sing country music.

Here are a couple of quotes from the fabulous transvestite contestant montage ...

"Here's a picture of me as a guy. And here's me as a girl. So I just want to show you guys that I'm versatile."

"Guys, give it a try because pants can be a little restricting if you know what I mean."

Next up we had Country Drew. Although Colton's name sounds more country, Drew is actually more country because he is the one doesn't have his hair all spiky like Joe Don Rooney from Rascall Flatts - oh, and he lives on a farm. Paula once again doesn't seem to want to send him through but Randy and Simon cast their votes quickly to see what Paula is going to do. Once again she caves in and sends him to Hollywood. I am telling you - they might as well not even have Paula there.

Next up was Rocker Kyle who wears "Guyliner". I have a feeling that Kyle is a VERY confused person.

Then we finished with the dude in the hat and the cape singing "I am your brother" to Simon. The judges were acting like this was some special thing - but it didn't seem to be any crazier than other contestants that day (see: tranny montage). I guess the joke is on A.I. because once again some crazy person got to perform their own song on national TV. This is giving me great ideas on how to generate royalties for my own catalog.