Back in front of the TiVo. This time AI is visiting the great state of Texas.
First, let me start with a question.
Question: Which mammal has no backbone?
Answer: Paula Abdul
They start off with a little bio piece on Jessica "Meth Mom" Brown. Are we supposed to believe that if they visit her house and show pictures of her on meth they are not going to let her move on to Hollywood. It is strange that they are showing so many of these little bio pieces so much this year. This is turning into everything I ended up hating about the Olympics on TV.
The first casualty of the evening ... Paul Stafford - a member of the American Roller Coaster Enthusiasts. But the judges are still awfully nice to him. I hesitate printing this but I am here to report the facts. So what was Mr. Stafford's reaction?
"Simon didn't go down on me like I thought he would. 'cause he goes down on just about everybody."
Then we had a Carrie Underwood look-a-like.
Then the sibling duo, Gregory and Mia Tobias, sang a crazy duet - I think. It was more like they had simultaneous solo auditions.
So the first episode had the Rated-R girl. She didn't come off too preachy about her moral standards. Tonight we have Bruce. Before he even auditioned he explained numerous times that he was "saving himself" for marraige. He said, "I have never had intimate relations with a woman before" while they played Richard Marx's "Right Here Waiting". He also wears a key around his neck that only fits into a heart that is worn around his dad's neck. He demonstrated how you put them together. That scene was very strange but it wasn't the worst part. Why does Bruce feel like he has to flaunt his purity? I am all for "saving yourself", but in this situation it feels more like "selling yourself" - like he hopes that some girl there in Dallas will think he is so honorable and will then want to run down the street and elope with him so he can finally use that key.
Of course he didn't sound too bad singing- but you could tell that the judges (Randy and Simon) had no respect for him so they didn't let him through. Now we end up a self-righteous Bruce who feels like he is example of how people in search of purity are unfairly persecuted. Although there is some truth there, the bigger truth is that there were probably more than a few contestants who shared his beliefs but didn't stand on them like a soapbox. Even scarier - there were portions of my life when I WAS Bruce.
Then we have the Hall & Oates singing guy from Mississippi with his fingernail collection. Why in the world would you show the ziplock bag full of old fingernails on national TV?
Then Kayla Dawn the car crash survivor makes it through. She looked like Kyra Sedgwick but acted kind of crazy. If we are really judging on voice and performance, it is ridiculous that this girl went to Hollywood and Bruce, our frustrated friend, didn't.
Katie Maloy does her Britney impersonation. Simon thinks she is the best.
We watched Douglas warm up before attempting Living on a Prayer. Ridiculous.
Occasionally we pause the TiVo as soon as a new contestant comes on the screen. I then ask my wife to guess if that person is going to make it through just based on the way they looked and carried themselves. 99% of the time she is right. When Angel, the girl with the model husband, came on the screen, my wife thought she was going go make it through. Then they called in her "hunky" husband to watch her sing "Baby Love". It wasn't very good. Her husband insisted that he thought it was good. Smart man. Never give it up. As soon as you tell the truth - they start to cry.
There was a brief moment of devastation until one of the judges told them they were a very nice looking couple. It was as if all of the national public humiliation just washed right off of their faces.
"who needs a golden ticket anyways when you have your soul mate by your side" - Ryan Seacrest
Next was the Kyle guy who is going to run for President someday. Worse singers have definitely made it through. The vote was one to one for Hollywood when it came to Paula. She didn't seem to like him, but in the history of American Idol I don't remember one single time that Paula ever actually rejected anyone with her vote (see: backbone comment at beginning of post). So of course she made some comment about wanting to see what he can do before she said "You're going to Hollywood."
Then the "If you ask me to" Celine girl. She wasn't very good - and the way that Seacrest patronized her as she came out the door made my wife say ...
"Ryan Seacrest is the lowest rung of hell"
Colton sang a Little Big Town song. My guess is that if your name is Colton, it is your destiny to sing country music.
Here are a couple of quotes from the fabulous transvestite contestant montage ...
"Here's a picture of me as a guy. And here's me as a girl. So I just want to show you guys that I'm versatile."
"Guys, give it a try because pants can be a little restricting if you know what I mean."
Next up we had Country Drew. Although Colton's name sounds more country, Drew is actually more country because he is the one doesn't have his hair all spiky like Joe Don Rooney from Rascall Flatts - oh, and he lives on a farm. Paula once again doesn't seem to want to send him through but Randy and Simon cast their votes quickly to see what Paula is going to do. Once again she caves in and sends him to Hollywood. I am telling you - they might as well not even have Paula there.
Next up was Rocker Kyle who wears "Guyliner". I have a feeling that Kyle is a VERY confused person.
Then we finished with the dude in the hat and the cape singing "I am your brother" to Simon. The judges were acting like this was some special thing - but it didn't seem to be any crazier than other contestants that day (see: tranny montage). I guess the joke is on A.I. because once again some crazy person got to perform their own song on national TV. This is giving me great ideas on how to generate royalties for my own catalog.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Thoughts from Episode One
Well, we fired up the old TiVo tonight to watch episode 1 while we were recording the second one. I thought I would take note of some notable moments for those of you who missed it.
These initial audition episodes are practically worthless. Lots of horrible singers. At the same time, they are the very episodes that caught my attention back in season one. How could these people be serious? Over the years I have realized that the bad contestants fall into three categories.
(1) The Hometown Favorite - We have seen this a million times. Some kid from (insert name here) small town sings at the old folk's home and puts a smile on all the silver hairs' faces. Their family and friends are always telling them how talented they are. So they come to A.I. to get discovered (it is like Belmont all over again). When they audition they don't sound awful, but they don't sound good - and when it is accompanied by some weird facial expression or uncomfortable body movement it makes the singing seem so much worse. I am sure the enormous anxiety due to being in front of cameras and superstars like Paula doesn't help either. After the rejection they return to their hometown, beg for their Winn-Dixie job back and get a sitting ovation the next time they walk back into Ridge View Assistant Living where they try to remember the words to patriotic songs while they watch that same old lady lick the ash tray (<-- happened to me).
(2) The Prankster - Some auditions are so ridiculous that you can actually hear the echo of the alcohol-induced dare from two nights before. "Hey man. I will give you twenty bucks if you wait in line for two days with tens of thousands of people and then sing "Strip" by Adam Ant while you disrobe down to your rebel flag boxers." We all knew guys like this in High School or College that would be all too enthusiastic about the challenge. It reminds me of something one of the members of Team Hasselhoff would do in a full-body ape suit. The strange thing is that I actually think that this sort of prank on this show is a worthy cause.
(3) The Handicapped - I am sorry, but this is unfortunately a huge factor in these initial auditions. There are obviously some people with significant mental issues but there are also some people that are just plain socially handicapped. Take an only child and then add an unhealthy interest in some fantasy outlet (Sci-Fi, D&D, comics, fantasy idol, etc.), two career braniac parents, a magnet school, way too much time inside the mothball-smelling house, a rock or marble collection, and some encouragement that you can accomplish anything if you "be yourself" or "follow your dreams". Don't get me wrong. I am all for following dreams and being yourself, but when these kids (or twenty-somethings) decide that being themselves means dressing up like Princess Leia AND being a pop music star, there is some level of disconnect there. They should really just try to be in Sufjan Stevens' band.
Now that we have the terminology down, I will get on to the show.
The first notable guy was the one from Egypt. I don't remember what his name was. It doesn't really matter. This guy seemed to be desperately trying to be the Borat of Season 7. He spoke with a heavy accent through the enormous gap in his teeth saying things like ... "That's why Mr. The Bee Gees is so special to me." and "You are sexy face
from that supposed Prankster to the Philadelphia tour guide. Here was a guy that seemed too nice to be a prankster and too normal to be in the handicapped category. You can tell by looking at most people if they will be serious contestants or not - but I wasn't sure when this guy first came on the screen. Then he sang the line "let my pipple go". Holy moley. I guess we have to put him down as a Hometown Favorite - his "home" encouragers being groups of tourists in Philadelphia trying to have a good time.
I don't even want to talk about Temptress Brown or I will start crying too. Ok - except to say that if I was a tailback, I would be VERY afraid of Temptress the linebacker.
Lets move on to Alexis Cohen. This is the girl who likes to wear "shiny" stuff and resembles Willem Dafoe. She obviously had some folks at home feeding her some great encouragement. That is why she said stuff like this right before she went in to see the judges ...
"Always have true faith and always be victorious."
She actually wasn't a horrible singer. She really did kind of sound like Janis Joplin. She would probably be OK in some crazy band. The weirder thing is that the judges thought the same thing. They weren't hard on her, but they said she wasn't right for this competition (which I agree with). Apparently that is not what she was prepared to hear though because her first words out of the door were ...
"Simon is a big fat bad word. Very very bad words." (Note to self: I want to remember to start calling people "big fat bad word". That is so cool.)
Then we see a classic case of a socially handicapped young lady who is torn between her dreams being shattered and all of the power of self mumbo-jumbo that her mom fed her over the years.
"You, sir, suck.
I thank you, I will leave with my dignity."
One minute after "leaving with her dignity", you see her giving the camera the double bird and saying ...
"Take it, Simon. Take it. Take it. Take it. I'm going for actressing.
I am going to show you guys that I can be victorious and F&^# you.
If I could legally moon ya, I would.
I'll make it one day. One day. Somehow. Somewhere. And I hope that someone sees that I have some talent somewhere. Whether it be in acting or singing or whether it be the fact that I have the chutzpah and the balls to be able to get up and talk. To be able to say what I'm thinking. To be able to say what I mean. To be able to speak the heart. To be able to talk. To be able to lead. I will be victorious. Always be victorious ... I hope to hear from you."
Additional note: At some point you hear a conversation between Alexis and her mother and you get a strange feeling that Alexis is not the strangest of the pair.
Then you have Christie Lee Cook - the good-looking cage-fighting horse trainer who had a decent voice. I don't think she even had to sing. She had Simon at "cage fight".
The next prankster was the guy who "had a crush" on Paula. We all know that with all of the information about Paula out there - nobody has a crush on her anymore. She is way too crazy. Kind of like Britney but more mature. Anyways, this guy deserves every penny of that drunken-stupor bet he surely made to come on this show. He wrote a great song about stalking Paula that had these lines in it ...
If she were a doggie I would walk her
If she were a blackboard I would chalk her
If I were Columbo I'd Peter Falk her
But I'm not so I'll just stalk her
If she were a fast guy on first I would balk her
If she were a woman from Good Times I'd be Jimmy Walker
If she were a bathtub I would caulk her
Come on. That is kind of respectable for a prankster. I mean, at least he will see some sweet royalties for his song, right???
Here are some quotes from Princess Leia herself ...
"I want out of my hometown because ... there is nothing to offer there .. unless I become a corrections officer ...which has been a possibility."
"If you don't know this hairstyle then you've been living on some moon on the other side of an M class planet in Star Trek somewhere."
We finished the episode with the pretty girl who has never seen an R-Rated movie. She had an OK voice - but it didn't matter. She had Simon at "pretty girl". She seems sweet and nice and everything, but I spent the rest of the night wondering what my life would be like if I never saw First Blood or Total Recall. Not worth it.
These initial audition episodes are practically worthless. Lots of horrible singers. At the same time, they are the very episodes that caught my attention back in season one. How could these people be serious? Over the years I have realized that the bad contestants fall into three categories.
(1) The Hometown Favorite - We have seen this a million times. Some kid from (insert name here) small town sings at the old folk's home and puts a smile on all the silver hairs' faces. Their family and friends are always telling them how talented they are. So they come to A.I. to get discovered (it is like Belmont all over again). When they audition they don't sound awful, but they don't sound good - and when it is accompanied by some weird facial expression or uncomfortable body movement it makes the singing seem so much worse. I am sure the enormous anxiety due to being in front of cameras and superstars like Paula doesn't help either. After the rejection they return to their hometown, beg for their Winn-Dixie job back and get a sitting ovation the next time they walk back into Ridge View Assistant Living where they try to remember the words to patriotic songs while they watch that same old lady lick the ash tray (<-- happened to me).
(2) The Prankster - Some auditions are so ridiculous that you can actually hear the echo of the alcohol-induced dare from two nights before. "Hey man. I will give you twenty bucks if you wait in line for two days with tens of thousands of people and then sing "Strip" by Adam Ant while you disrobe down to your rebel flag boxers." We all knew guys like this in High School or College that would be all too enthusiastic about the challenge. It reminds me of something one of the members of Team Hasselhoff would do in a full-body ape suit. The strange thing is that I actually think that this sort of prank on this show is a worthy cause.
(3) The Handicapped - I am sorry, but this is unfortunately a huge factor in these initial auditions. There are obviously some people with significant mental issues but there are also some people that are just plain socially handicapped. Take an only child and then add an unhealthy interest in some fantasy outlet (Sci-Fi, D&D, comics, fantasy idol, etc.), two career braniac parents, a magnet school, way too much time inside the mothball-smelling house, a rock or marble collection, and some encouragement that you can accomplish anything if you "be yourself" or "follow your dreams". Don't get me wrong. I am all for following dreams and being yourself, but when these kids (or twenty-somethings) decide that being themselves means dressing up like Princess Leia AND being a pop music star, there is some level of disconnect there. They should really just try to be in Sufjan Stevens' band.
Now that we have the terminology down, I will get on to the show.
The first notable guy was the one from Egypt. I don't remember what his name was. It doesn't really matter. This guy seemed to be desperately trying to be the Borat of Season 7. He spoke with a heavy accent through the enormous gap in his teeth saying things like ... "That's why Mr. The Bee Gees is so special to me." and "You are sexy face
from that supposed Prankster to the Philadelphia tour guide. Here was a guy that seemed too nice to be a prankster and too normal to be in the handicapped category. You can tell by looking at most people if they will be serious contestants or not - but I wasn't sure when this guy first came on the screen. Then he sang the line "let my pipple go". Holy moley. I guess we have to put him down as a Hometown Favorite - his "home" encouragers being groups of tourists in Philadelphia trying to have a good time.
I don't even want to talk about Temptress Brown or I will start crying too. Ok - except to say that if I was a tailback, I would be VERY afraid of Temptress the linebacker.
Lets move on to Alexis Cohen. This is the girl who likes to wear "shiny" stuff and resembles Willem Dafoe. She obviously had some folks at home feeding her some great encouragement. That is why she said stuff like this right before she went in to see the judges ...
"Always have true faith and always be victorious."
She actually wasn't a horrible singer. She really did kind of sound like Janis Joplin. She would probably be OK in some crazy band. The weirder thing is that the judges thought the same thing. They weren't hard on her, but they said she wasn't right for this competition (which I agree with). Apparently that is not what she was prepared to hear though because her first words out of the door were ...
"Simon is a big fat bad word. Very very bad words." (Note to self: I want to remember to start calling people "big fat bad word". That is so cool.)
Then we see a classic case of a socially handicapped young lady who is torn between her dreams being shattered and all of the power of self mumbo-jumbo that her mom fed her over the years.
"You, sir, suck.
I thank you, I will leave with my dignity."
One minute after "leaving with her dignity", you see her giving the camera the double bird and saying ...
"Take it, Simon. Take it. Take it. Take it. I'm going for actressing.
I am going to show you guys that I can be victorious and F&^# you.
If I could legally moon ya, I would.
I'll make it one day. One day. Somehow. Somewhere. And I hope that someone sees that I have some talent somewhere. Whether it be in acting or singing or whether it be the fact that I have the chutzpah and the balls to be able to get up and talk. To be able to say what I'm thinking. To be able to say what I mean. To be able to speak the heart. To be able to talk. To be able to lead. I will be victorious. Always be victorious ... I hope to hear from you."
Additional note: At some point you hear a conversation between Alexis and her mother and you get a strange feeling that Alexis is not the strangest of the pair.
Then you have Christie Lee Cook - the good-looking cage-fighting horse trainer who had a decent voice. I don't think she even had to sing. She had Simon at "cage fight".
The next prankster was the guy who "had a crush" on Paula. We all know that with all of the information about Paula out there - nobody has a crush on her anymore. She is way too crazy. Kind of like Britney but more mature. Anyways, this guy deserves every penny of that drunken-stupor bet he surely made to come on this show. He wrote a great song about stalking Paula that had these lines in it ...
If she were a doggie I would walk her
If she were a blackboard I would chalk her
If I were Columbo I'd Peter Falk her
But I'm not so I'll just stalk her
If she were a fast guy on first I would balk her
If she were a woman from Good Times I'd be Jimmy Walker
If she were a bathtub I would caulk her
Come on. That is kind of respectable for a prankster. I mean, at least he will see some sweet royalties for his song, right???
Here are some quotes from Princess Leia herself ...
"I want out of my hometown because ... there is nothing to offer there .. unless I become a corrections officer ...which has been a possibility."
"If you don't know this hairstyle then you've been living on some moon on the other side of an M class planet in Star Trek somewhere."
We finished the episode with the pretty girl who has never seen an R-Rated movie. She had an OK voice - but it didn't matter. She had Simon at "pretty girl". She seems sweet and nice and everything, but I spent the rest of the night wondering what my life would be like if I never saw First Blood or Total Recall. Not worth it.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
Meet the Players
Welcome to Fantasy American Idol.
If you are going to play this year, please comment to this post and introduce your team (you don't have to use real names - which you will appreciate as we tear apart singers that we very well might end up working for someday).
Also, please read the two previous posts on this site. They will give you a little bit of direction.
Don't forget - SEASON PREMIERE - TUESDAY NIGHT!!!!!
If you are going to play this year, please comment to this post and introduce your team (you don't have to use real names - which you will appreciate as we tear apart singers that we very well might end up working for someday).
Also, please read the two previous posts on this site. They will give you a little bit of direction.
Don't forget - SEASON PREMIERE - TUESDAY NIGHT!!!!!
START WATCHING NOW!!!!
In an effort to make these ridiculous audition episodes watch-worthy, we are adding a Pre-Hollywood Bonus Pick.
Here is how this will work. After all of these initial auditions, your team can pick ONE singer that you think will go all the way. As the season progresses, the three teams whose Pre-Hollywood picks stay in the competition the longest will get bonus points. Here is how they will be scored ...
1st place - 10 bonus points
2nd place - 6 bonus points
3rd place - 3 bonus points
Before the Hollywood episodes begin - I will put up a PRE-HOLLYWOOD BONUS PICKS entry. Leave a comment on that post stating who your bonus pick is. So remember to pay attention. You snooze, you lose.
If you are new this year and are wondering how this whole thing works, just stick with me. I will explain soon. Subscribe to this blog so you can stay informed and up to date. Feel free to leave questions as comments to this post as well.
Here is how this will work. After all of these initial auditions, your team can pick ONE singer that you think will go all the way. As the season progresses, the three teams whose Pre-Hollywood picks stay in the competition the longest will get bonus points. Here is how they will be scored ...
1st place - 10 bonus points
2nd place - 6 bonus points
3rd place - 3 bonus points
Before the Hollywood episodes begin - I will put up a PRE-HOLLYWOOD BONUS PICKS entry. Leave a comment on that post stating who your bonus pick is. So remember to pay attention. You snooze, you lose.
If you are new this year and are wondering how this whole thing works, just stick with me. I will explain soon. Subscribe to this blog so you can stay informed and up to date. Feel free to leave questions as comments to this post as well.
Clean Slate 2008
Tomorrow marks a momentous occasion. It is my dad's 60th birthday. More importantly, it is also the evening of the season premiere of the show we all know and love - American Idol.
About 6 years ago I started an American Idol Fantasy League. It only consisted of a few couples making picks and "drafting" singers. Last year we stepped it up a notch, got a blog site and invited more players. We scratched the drafting part because there were too many participants - but had a crazy time trying to pick the winners and losers from every show. And just like six years ago, we were committed to trash talking and honestly evaluating the talent (or lack thereof) we saw on that fabulous show.
Who can forget moments like Scatgate 2007, Chris Sligh blaming The Police for bad timing, Phil Stacey looking like Marshall Applewhite and that poor girl who kept weeping at the sound of Sanjaya.
We covered them all.
Well, the time has come once again to fire up the old boob tube and enjoying Ryan Seacrest in all his glory. Hope you will join us this season.
Here are some pictures of what to look forward to ... ...
Michael Tait
BJ Aberle
The return of Josh Gracin
Every CCM singer at some point in his lifetime
About 6 years ago I started an American Idol Fantasy League. It only consisted of a few couples making picks and "drafting" singers. Last year we stepped it up a notch, got a blog site and invited more players. We scratched the drafting part because there were too many participants - but had a crazy time trying to pick the winners and losers from every show. And just like six years ago, we were committed to trash talking and honestly evaluating the talent (or lack thereof) we saw on that fabulous show.
Who can forget moments like Scatgate 2007, Chris Sligh blaming The Police for bad timing, Phil Stacey looking like Marshall Applewhite and that poor girl who kept weeping at the sound of Sanjaya.
We covered them all.
Well, the time has come once again to fire up the old boob tube and enjoying Ryan Seacrest in all his glory. Hope you will join us this season.
Here are some pictures of what to look forward to ... ...
Michael Tait
BJ Aberle
The return of Josh Gracin
Every CCM singer at some point in his lifetime
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